Oh the thing that we desire, the things that make our hearts beat out of its chest, our passions, the things that we love to do, the things that we want for our lives, the things that break our hearts, the things that we want to change- SO MANY THINGS….
I personally have always been one to do a lot of things, have a lot of desires and passion and want to be a part of whatever I could be a part of, I didn’t always let God be the leader of the choices that I would make. The reason for that is because I haven’t always known that God is the one that leads and guides our lives and he has a perfect plan for all of us. Also, being the type A kind of personality that I usually am- I like to plan things and I LOVE to be in control of things. That being said, if I find something that I enjoy I then will become passionate about it-then I run with it in all its goodness and glory!
During this world race season of my life I have been learning a lot about myself and a whole lot about who God is in my life. One big thing that I have really been learning is that SURRENDER and the letting go and giving things over to God is vital in my life and in my faith walk! This is something that I have really struggled with and God has highlighted this from the beginning of the world race.
Rewind to month 5 of this world race journey in Zambia and a post I saw on instagram from a fellow world racer on another squad. The post was about The Love Justice School in Thailand – which is a school for global injustices. The post I saw referred to the girl I know- being accepted to this school- to be trained in how to fight for, help and and care for those that were or are currently stuck in trafficking. Circa 2015, is when God really began to burden my heart for women and children in vulnerable situations like trafficking- so when I learned about the opportunity for this school in Thailand I was stoked! I didn’t tell many people about it and I spent a lot of time in prayer about it before I decided to apply. On the day we left our debrief in Zambia I hit apply on the application. When we arrived in India, things just began to move forward from there and in the matter of a few weeks I was thru the interview process and waiting to find out wether or not I was accepted! Well on January 7th, I found the verdict out and the verdict was- I got accepted!
Then began a new fundraising journey, that started out with a $20 dollar donation right off the bat, but after that it came to a complete stop. As I did with the world race when the funds either weren’t coming in or they were just coming in very slowly- I became hesitant if Thailand and the love justice school was what God wanted me to do. I continued to move forward and I kept posting and sharing this opportunity that God had opened the door for with family and friends and supporters. However, it felt like everything was at a standstill, the train was not moving and it was so frustrating!
As the weeks and months of this world race journey continued to fly by, I began somewhat consumed with this Thailand opportunity to the point that it was begining to affect my mental and emotional health. Last month in Bulgaria- particulary at debrief before we headed to out ministry site for the month- I was having a very hard time. I had been spending a lot of time in prayer and a lot of quiet time conversations with God asking him to give me clarity on what he wanted me to do in this situation, and I wasnt really getting any answers from him. My frustration continued- and I just didn’t know what to do, and I wanted this so bad that I didn’t want to give it up. It wasnt until a few weeks into my month in Bulgaria- during my quiet time in the morning I asked God to speak to me thru someone that day- and that he did! Later on that day, I sat down and decided to talk to my sweet teammate and friend Katie and one of the things I talked to her about was how I was unsure of what to fo about this Thailand opportunity, and I was having trouble gaining clarity from God on it. She told me how she thought it was very important that I take time to pause, rest, reflect, and process after this 11 month journey, before jumping into a new thing. Well I asked God to speak to me thru someone and he sure did! He spoke to me thru Katie that day and it was after that talk with her that I started the process of letting go of something I was holding on so tight to, that something being Thailand and the love justice school.
In the process of letting this opportunity go, God revealed to me that I was holding on so tight to what I wanted that in that I wasnt allowing HIM to do what HE wanted to do. I was constricting God from moving in my life how he wanted, because all I was caring about was what I wanted. I truly believe that all of this happened for a reason, so that I can learn more about what surrender and letting go looks like and the wonderful peace and blessings that can come from it. It was a hard decision- for sure to let go of going to Thailand and the love justice school but I know that in the process of letting it go and surrendering my wants to God that he has bigger and better plans for me! When I told one of my good friends about all this, she said it reminded her of Genesis 22 when Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice Issac as a burnt offering. Obedience isn’t easy but its totally worth it because God shows up every time and we get to glorify him!
Very nice reading, Cimone! Ever thought of writing a book of blogs? You seem to have words flowing out of you with great ease! It’s hard to live a day at a time and wait for the next step to go forward and to know exactly what that direction is. I don’t think we are supposed to know all the answers, more like discovering the answers as we keep doing the same familiar things with daily prayer for direction from our true source, Jesus! Stay well….Love Valerie
Wow Cimone, this decision took a lot of prayer and discernment. It’s hard to let go of a dream, but sometimes God isn’t saying “no” but “not yet.” It also may be that He has another opportunity for you that you would miss if you went to Thailand right away. So hard to remember, but Gods timing is perfect. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you so much Ellen for taking the time to read my blog! It was a hard decision but what God is reminding me is that sometimes the hardest decisions are the best ones!